Sweetly Broken…
July 28, 2010
“At the cross you beckon me. You draw me closely to my knees, and I am lost for words, so lost in love, and I am sweetly broken, wholly surrendered.” – “Sweetly Broken” – Jeremy Riddle
And this is the state of my heart today. I am broken. But not a pitiful broken, but rather a brokenness that brings me joyfully to the foot of the cross where I can see love – perhaps for the first time in my life. Have you ever had that experience as a Christian, where you feel like you have been born again, again? Well, that is what the Lord is doing in my heart and words cannot even begin to describe it. This does not have anything to do with Susana and what we are going through as a result. This has to do with God doing some intense work in my heart to make me more like Him.
You see, there are parts of my own heart that are more cancerous than the tumors that currently invade Susana’s body. There has been sin there for the longest time that has never been truly dealt with, perhaps because it wasn’t God’s time, but I think more because I was not ready to deal with it myself. I had not been brought to the place of brokenness that is needed to see what I now see. But recently, the Lord has indeed brought me to that place. And He has broken me and continues to break me. It is like a blindfold has been lifted off my eyes and I can see things (some really ugly things) in my heart that I have never before seen.
As issues in my life have caused some of these ugly sinful patterns to come to the surface more and more, I was brought to a place where I just began crying out to the Lord and asking Him to break me open, asking Him to open up my eyes so that I can see the sin and ugliness that is keeping my heart from being wholly surrendered to Him, asking Him to reveal and expose those things that are causing ill effect in my marriage and other aspects of my life, primarily my relationship with Him. And it all started with a heart’s cry of desperation, realizing that only the Lord can effect change in my heart for His glory. And so, I cried out, “Lord, break me. Let me see my sin that has robbed You of Your glory, and then let me see Your glory so that I will truly repent and turn my heart to You in ALL ways. I am desperate!”
And The Lord, who hears the cry of His children, heard the heart’s cry of this poor child, and answered Him. Through His word and through my prayers, and by His grace, He broke my hardened heart wide open. And I wept, not like a baby, for a baby cries without really knowing why he or she is crying. No, I wept like a grown man, a man who hungers after God yet for the first time has seen such sin in his heart that has kept him from the very God he hungers after. Oh, I cannot express the grief that my heart experienced, and continues to experience. I have had times of falling to the floor, overcome with grief (yet at the same time overcome with the knowledge of His love and mercy) and just heaving sobs and wails and groans like I have never known before. I weep now even as I write this. He has answered my prayer! He has broken me, and continues to break me.
This, although painful, has been the sweetest thing to happen to me. The death is always painful. The letting go of something is always painful. The reality of sin and depravity is always painful. But the reality of Christ’s love that reaches such a depraved heart and has both power to forgive sin and love to restore a heart is indescribable! The bible is altogether true as it states, “It is the kindness of the Lord that leads to repentance.” Oh how I thank the Lord that He has granted me the gift of repentance. He has caused me to truly turn away from my sin. I cannot explain it all, but He has done it.
So, I have had many many days as of late where I just weep as I realize how my sin and wretched heart has kept me from receiving so much more of Him. And I also weep with the greatest thankfulness that He both loves me and is setting me free. I cannot contain my excitement. I just have to share it. It is like those blind people that Jesus healed that went in the temple walking, and leaping, and praising God. For I have been one of those blind men that has received the miracle of sight. What can I do, but walk and leap and praise the One, the ONLY One, who is able to open the eyes of the blind and bring a dead heart back to life.
Some may think that I am sharing too much by talking about God exposing sin in my life and breaking me of years of spiritual blindness…I don’t care. Just like David said when he danced naked after the ark was returned to Jerusalem, “I will be even more undignified than this!” So, I will not go dancing down the street naked, but I will show the nakedness of my soul that has been touched by my Savior, for I have nothing to hide. He has redeemed me and is setting me free. I cannot stay silent.
I have been consumed these days by thoughts of Him. I cannot put the bible down. I cannot stop writing in my journal. I cannot stop just wanting to give Him glory and honor in everything that I do. I have lived 38 years of my life so far. I only pray that He gives me at least 39 more years so that I can live more than half of my life with this new found love and joy that I have found in my Savior. I have lived 8 years of marriage where I have been unable to give my whole heart to a woman that I really love. I only pray that these 8 years are a tiny fraction of the years of marriage left where I can give my wife my entire heart and see the Lord glorified in our midst every single day.
As I was thinking about these things the other day, I said, “Lord, You have indeed answered my prayer asking You to break me open and reveal my sin so that I would see it clearly. But now I want You to answer my prayer of showing me Your glory.” And as soon as I said this, I felt the Holy Spirit say, “I have shown You my glory by exposing the depravity of your heart and then covering it with my love.” Oh, how my heart shouted for joy when I saw this to be true. What can be more glorious than a heart that has been revealed to be full of such sin and yet the love of Christ that covers the sin of such a wicked heart? Yes, mine eyes have seen the glory of the Lord.
We’re goin’ to Jackson
July 28, 2010
Ville that is. Yes, Jacksonville, FL will be another home away from home for us for a month or so. We just learned today that Susana’s radiation treatments (after she finishes chemo) will take place in Jacksonville, FL. So, we will be there for about a month or so since radiation treatment is every day I believe. But this won’t take place for another several months. However, our doctor just told Maria this morning, “Keep your bags packed from this point on.”
So, here’s the prospective timeline: Susana is going into the hospital this afternoon for her 4th round of chemo. WE NEED EVERYBODY PRAYING as this particular round is supposed to be very difficult with a lot of pain and weakness and all that comes with that. She will be inpatient for 5 days. Then, once her counts come back up, they will take all new tests and scans and images to see how much (pray that it is not how little) progress has been made with the chemo and if the tumor has shrunk enough to a point of doing surgery to remove it. If all is good, then they will do the surgery.
After the surgery, she will get one more round of chemo, which will be an extremely intense round that will basically destroy her bone marrow. That is why, immediately following the chemo, we will go to Duke for the stem cell transplant. We will be at Duke for 3 months!!! the first month will be inpatient, and then the other 2 months will be outpatient everyday. So, we’ll be living near Duke for 3 months.
Then, we will be heading down to Jacksonville, FL for about a month while she gets radiation treatment at one of the best hospitals for radiation treatment. So, we’ll be floridians for a month…Oh happy joy…not!!! Sorry fellow floridians, I just don’t have great love for the sunshine state…y’all need some mountains!!!
Once she finishes radiation, we will come back home and she will get antibody treatment for a period of time, I’m not sure how long. And then, that will be it!!!
Oh how we pray that that really will be it. That by the end of her treatment, their is absolutely no sign of cancer and that it is gone forever by the power of God. Oh our hearts yearn for that day. But we are not there today. And so we continue in our fight with the knowledge of our great and mighty God who goes with us. His grace is sufficient in ALL things. Neither death nor life will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Please remember to pray for Daisy Love as she is in a very serious fight for life. She is going through chemo for a second time as her Wilm’s tumor has returned with a vengeance. Pray for her and the Merrick family as they lean on the everlasting arms of our Father during this most difficult time. To follow their story, go to http://prayfordaisy.com
Oh how thankful we are to be part of the body of Christ. I don’t know how we, or anybody else in this situation, could ever make it without the knowledge and trust in a sovereign God who is in control of EVERYTHING. Our hearts can only find great comfort in this truth alone – that He is in control, and that He is good.
Thank you for all your prayers. You have given us much strength to continue in this vigorous fight.
Back with the fam….
July 22, 2010
Good to be back home with my wife and children. Susana is doing great! We just went to the clinic today and her counts are very good. Lord willing, she will begin her next round of chemo on Wednesday.
Isabela is doing great. She just spent the day with a friend of hers and has a great time. Man, I always miss my girls so much when I am away, but it is so good to get all the make up kisses and hugs from the days that I was gone.
Maria is doing well. She is happy because I brought back from Haiti all of her card making and scrapbooking material that we had left there. So, even though I wasn’t able to get EVERYTHING, she is still happy as right now she is making a card at the dining room table. It is good to be back together with my better half.
So, I praise the Lord for getting home safe and thank all of you for your prayers.
Leaving Haiti a day early…
July 20, 2010
My family needs me more…
Team Update
July 19, 2010
So far, things are going great with our team here in Haiti. If it didn’t take so long to upload pictures, I would put bunch on here. But we just don’t have the time.
Yesterday, the team went to church and had their first Haitian church experience. They felt very welcomed by the pastor and the church members. They also got the chance to meet some of the children who we will be working with this week.
After church, Fenel and I visited the woman whose home we plan on building. While we were gone, the team went around our neighborhood and had a blast meeting all of the children and sharing God’s love with them. They played for quite some time.
Today, the guys began the home construction. Well, actually they just spent the day knocking down the old “so called” house and digging the foundation for the new one. They certainly worked up quite a sweat.
While the guys were doing that, I took the women to the orphanage that we often visit. The women adored all the babies and we all just spent well over and hour just holding all the babies. I saw Mackenson and he looks great. I held him for a long time and prayed over him.
The guys are still at the sight digging as the women are here at the mission house waiting for the 23 orphaned children to arrive so that they can do some activities with them.
Everybody has been really thrilled so far with their experience and how God is using them.
Sorry that this post does not have much character to it. My heart is heavy right now as I got word from Maria that Susana is not doing great today. She may have to go to the hospital if her fever does not go down. She was at the clinic all day getting blood because her counts are very low. So, although I am here in Haiti, my heart is elsewhere at the moment. Please pray for our little girl. If she does not get better and has to go to the hospital, then I may have to come home early. Please just pray.
In Haiti
July 17, 2010
Back in Haiti again. Why does Port au Prince look like nothing has changed since the earthquake, yet Jacmel looks like a lot has changed? I am very impressed with how well Jacmel is being cleaned up after the quake.
So, we just had a team leave this morning that was here all last week. I only got to spend one day with them, but it was good to get to know them, and Fenel told me that they were awesome. We were supposed to take the team to Basin Bleau for a fun day, but as we were heading out, it began to downpour, so we had to quickly abort mission. I am so excited that this team, along with our master carpenter Fenel, built bunk beds for our mission house! Sweet!!! No more sleeping on air mattresses, although the truth is that the air mattresses are super comfortable. The team also did a lot of outreach in some of the communities where we are ministering. They showed the Jesus Film a few times, Fenel preached a salvation message, and 4 people committed their lives to the Lord. God is moving in our midst. They also spent the week ministering to the orphaned children that we are working with.
The team left this morning and another team (team of 4 from Calvary Chapel in Uncasville, CT) arrived a few hours later, therefore I spent the whole day in Port au Prince, leaving at 4AM to drop off the team that was leaving and then getting back to Jacmel this evening after picking up the arriving team. Needless to say, I am beat. The team is great. They are very excited for the upcoming week as this is the first mission trip that any of them have been on. 2 guys will be building a house this week for a family that is helping the orphaned kids, and the 2 women will just do some serious loving on many children throughout the week. I am very excited to see what the Lord is going to do.
I miss my wife and kids, but it was good to see them today via video chat…
Please pray for little Daisy Love
July 17, 2010
This precious little girl was diagnosed with a Wilms Tumor. After some time of being cancer free another tumor has appeared in her stomach. Please pray for her. Pray for this family as they walk this very painful road with their little one. Thank you!–Maria
Read all about Daisy Love here: http://prayfordaisy.com/
Quick update…
July 14, 2010
Susana is doing much better. She completed her 3rd round of chemo and was discharged on Sunday night. But she was still vomiting from the meds the next day, so we had to bring her to the clinic to get fluids. The doctors said that she did really well throughout the treatment and were not worried about the vomiting since it is expected because of the particular chemo drugs that she had this round.
So, she had some bad tummy aches for the first few days, but today we went to the clinic to get her blood counts checked, and everything came back great. Her counts were up enough where she did not need blood. Praise the Lord. We will go back to the clinic on Friday for one more check before the weekend. Her tummy is feeling better and she is sipping on gatorade throughout the day so that she stays hydrated. She is also starting to regain her appetite.
I leave for Haiti tomorrow morning. I will be there for a week. One of the main objectives have in going there is to gather more information about the orphaned children so that we can develop a sponsorship program for them. Currently, there are 23 orphaned children that we are working with. I will be assessing their current living situation to determine what kind of placement may be needed. We are not trying to get them into an orphanage, but rather into families in the community through some of the churches that we are working with. Its almost like we are trying to develop a foster care type of ministry. Figures that God would use my background working in social services for all these years prior to going into full-time ministry. We also have a small team coming from my home state of Connecticut. We will be building a house, perhaps a house for a family that will care for some of the orphaned children, we’ll see.
So, my next post will be from our mission house in Haiti. Time to get to bed now for 5 and a half hours. Bon nuit.
3rd Round of chemo for Susana
July 8, 2010
We are back in the hospital getting Susana’s 3rd round of chemo. She was admitted sooner than expected because her counts were so good. This round includes some medicines that are supposed to make her very sick, but so far she has not had any problems whatsoever. Please pray that the Lord protects her body in a divine way and that she does not suffer any great pain.
And of course continue to pray for total healing. The truth is that so far, her treatment couldn’t be going any better. She is doing wonderful and the doctors continue to give good reports. But, we still know that this is just the beginning of a long road that often comes with many trials and setbacks along the way. We are prepared for those setbacks, but so far things have been going according to schedule.
We take things one day at a time and trust Him for the grace that He provides.
I had a great meeting today with a pastor and a business owner about their desire to help sponsor the orphaned children in Haiti that we are working with. The Lord is definitely giving us favor regarding our ministry in Haiti. And this just shows us that it has nothing to do with us, but everything to do with Him.
I get ready to head to Haiti one week from today. We have the first of our three consecutive teams for July arriving this Saturday. It will be a very busy, yet productive and awesome month for our ministry. My main objective in going down next week is, in addition to helping with the teams, to meet with every orphaned child that we are working with and observe his current living situation to determine if we need to work on getting placement. I am very excited to see what the Lord is doing. It is such a joy to serve, even in the midst of pain.
On a personal note, please keep me in prayer as the Lord is really doing some major reconstructive surgery on my own heart. It has been a time of painful realizations of some ugly things that He wants to change, but at the same time some deep joy as He is given access to parts of my heart that have been closed or hardened for some time. It makes me realize how much more of Him I need in my life each and every minute. And it makes me so thankful for His grace which reaches even the dregs of my heart.
I always remember a quote I heard from way back when I first came to know the Lord. “God loves you exactly as you are, but He loves you too much to leave you that way.”
- Thankful that He is not through with me….