Tears of Joy…Tears of Pain

And that’s just the way it will be.  The fear that I had of not being able to completely love my newborn son because of the pain in my heart from Susana’s death melted away the second that I saw my son being born.  I am so thankful to God for that.  I mean, I am so madly in love with my son that I get emotional just thinking about him.  I want to show him off to the world.  I hold him up (against my wife’s wishes) high in the air and say, “Look, everybody, I…have a son!!!!”  It’s great!  So, yeah, I love my little boy so much.  My heart is filled with such love for him.

And yet…I still weep.  My heart is still sad about Susana.  And I just have to realize that that’s just the way it will be.  I will have great tears of joy at the birth of my son and I will still have great tears of pain at the loss (temporary) of my little girl.  And so, intense grief and intense joy reside side by side in my heart.  It’s weird.  But it just is.  And God’s grace is sufficient.

So, my days look something like this:  Bringing my newborn son home from the hospital with a huge smile on my face, holding him and kissing him and feeling so much joy towards him.  Then putting him down and driving to the cemetery to put flowers on Susana’s grave, and weeping.  Then coming home, parking in the driveway for a few minutes as I dry my tears, walking inside, picking up my son to lay him down on my chest in order to bond, looking at him with intense love.  Then putting him to sleep, and I myself go to sleep.  Then have a dream about Susana where I see her (with beautiful brown curly hair, talk to her, tell her how much I love her and hear her tell me that she loves me too.  Then waking up in the morning, sharing the dream with my wife, and we both weep for a bit as we talk about how much we miss our girl, and then we hear the soft cooing of our son, and we go over to pick him up and smother him with more kisses and love.  Yep, that’s what it looks like.  And somehow…truly…God’s grace is with us.  And we continue to learn about the true meaning of perseverance.

So, here’s why we named him Jacob Cameron.  Well, first of all, it’s just an awesome name!  But, we were not going for the most popular name as we know that it has been for several years.  As a matter of fact, we had the name Jacob picked out when we had our first child over 7 years ago, but she turned out to be our lovely Isabela.  So, we have been waiting for Jacob.  Ever since I first became a Christian at age 19, I felt like the Lord had always told me that He was going to give me my own son some day.  I just never thought that it would have happened in this manner, just months after Him bringing my daughter to Heaven.

When we found out we were pregnant, my wife knew immediately that it was going to be a boy because of what the name signifies.  Remember the story of Jacob in the Bible?  His name means “supplanter”  which means to replace something with something else.  Jacob was the twin of Esau, and even though Esau was born first (which would give him the rightful blessing and inheritance of the firstborn), Jacob came out clutching at the heel of Esau implying that he was trying to be the first so that he would be the child to receive the blessing.  So, even though Jacob lived up to his name in many ways of scheming and deceiving, he still was indeed the child whom God chose to pass the blessing and inheritance down his family line.

So, in the same way, we feel that God has brought us Jacob to be a supplanter to our grief over Susana.  No, he will never replace Susana, but perhaps God intends to use our joy over him as a way of replacing some of our grief over Susana.  Like I said, I still grieve, but somehow my heart is able to contain both great joy and great grief.  So, when we found out we were pregnant, Maria knew immediately that God was now bringing us our Jacob.  Crazy how God works like that, huh?  So, we pray that this name represents some of his spiritual heritage.  May he be one who worships the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

The middle name Cameron is to reference my scottish heritage from my Dad’s side of the family.  We hail from Scotland, aye.  And we hail from the Cameron tribe in the highlands.  So, I wanted to give him a name that represents part of his natural heritage.

I also wanted him to have the same initials as myself, JCW.  I did not want a junior because I just don’t want my boy to be altogether like me.  There are too many things about myself that I do not want him to imitate.  But, I do want him to be somewhat like me.  I want him to love the Lord Jesus with all his heart and I want him to love people with God’s compassionate heart.  And it would be great if he loved fly fishing and the outdoors as well.  So, having my same initials, I pray represents that he will have some of my foundation, but he will not be exactly like me…THANK GOD!!!

So, that’s where I am at these days.  I am absolutely overcome with love and joy.  There is no question that I will not love this child in the deepest way.  And at the same time, I grieve.  I miss my little girl and can’t wait to be reunited with her on that great and glorious day!  But until then, God gives me His grace to persevere…and to love.  Crazy how God works like that, huh?

Missing my precious little girl
forming a special bond.
I...have a son!!!!
my sleepy little boy...big yawn!
May the God of Jacob lead him always...

10 thoughts on “Tears of Joy…Tears of Pain

  1. Your blog entries make me cry because they are so raw and honest. You’re not trying to be something fake or “super-spiritual.” You’re just being who God made you to be. Susanna will always be in your heart – ALWAYS! And, what’s so amazing is there’s still plenty of room for Jacob, too. He is so precious and a much loved little guy. Our God is so amazing.

  2. Dear Cody,

    I admire you and Maria’s commitment and I really enjoy your writing skill. I cried through your leading us in worship at Biltmore Baptist just after Susanna went to heaven. I am celebrating with you in the birth of Jacob. Congratulations to Maria, you, and Isabela. May God continue to bless you!

  3. Dearest Cody and Maria,
    Joy fills my heart as I see the pictures of Jacob ( my first thought-he looks like Bruce!),but there will always be a hole in my heart when I think of Susana,as I often do.Jacob is such a lucky boy to be in the arms and hearts of such wonderful parents AND his big sister,Isabella!

  4. How sad and sweet at the same time. You truly have a gift with the way you write. Your posts have been such an encouragement to me to stand firm in life’s storms. I’ll continue to pray for your family. It seems as if Jacob is a reminder to your family that “joy will come in the morning”.

  5. Cody and Maria,
    even as Scripture says, we mourned with you when Susana went to be with Jesus, but we now rejoice with you in the birth of little Jacob. We are so happy for you. Congratulations. God bless you guys.

    In Christ,

  6. Jacob is a very special little boy born into a very special family. Blessings to all of you and wishes for much joy.

  7. Hello Cody and Maria–what a joy to read how God is the Provider of all. We praise God for the fulfillment of your dream–to have a son; Jacob. We have prayed many times as a family for you to continue to feel God’s love and peace since Susanna’s homegoing to be with the Lord and we will continue!! We are so happy for you and praise the Lord that He who began a great work in you will complete it with a special new addition to your family. Your writing is a true gift and i love hearing the Lord through your words. Thanks for sharing your heart for you are changing my heart the more i read!!! Praising God for you both.

  8. hi Cody and Maria, We continue to pray for you and you precious family. We are so happy for you all! I love reading your entries, they really are inspiring. I prayed many times during those times of waiting on Jacob’s arrival as I wondered if that is how you would feel. I thought I would be feeling that same way.(wondering if you could rejoice when you still felt so much raw pain) I am so blessed to know now that God has shown His love to your family and once again you are feeling those wonderful emotions of joy unspeakable. I pray that each day you will feel more joy and less pain. You are a precious family and I know Susanna is very proud of you all! Love from Mexico! The Wood family

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