And that’s just the way it will be. The fear that I had of not being able to completely love my newborn son because of the pain in my heart from Susana’s death melted away the second that I saw my son being born. I am so thankful to God for that. I mean, I am so madly in love with my son that I get emotional just thinking about him. I want to show him off to the world. I hold him up (against my wife’s wishes) high in the air and say, “Look, everybody, I…have a son!!!!” It’s great! So, yeah, I love my little boy so much. My heart is filled with such love for him.
And yet…I still weep. My heart is still sad about Susana. And I just have to realize that that’s just the way it will be. I will have great tears of joy at the birth of my son and I will still have great tears of pain at the loss (temporary) of my little girl. And so, intense grief and intense joy reside side by side in my heart. It’s weird. But it just is. And God’s grace is sufficient.
So, my days look something like this: Bringing my newborn son home from the hospital with a huge smile on my face, holding him and kissing him and feeling so much joy towards him. Then putting him down and driving to the cemetery to put flowers on Susana’s grave, and weeping. Then coming home, parking in the driveway for a few minutes as I dry my tears, walking inside, picking up my son to lay him down on my chest in order to bond, looking at him with intense love. Then putting him to sleep, and I myself go to sleep. Then have a dream about Susana where I see her (with beautiful brown curly hair, talk to her, tell her how much I love her and hear her tell me that she loves me too. Then waking up in the morning, sharing the dream with my wife, and we both weep for a bit as we talk about how much we miss our girl, and then we hear the soft cooing of our son, and we go over to pick him up and smother him with more kisses and love. Yep, that’s what it looks like. And somehow…truly…God’s grace is with us. And we continue to learn about the true meaning of perseverance.
So, here’s why we named him Jacob Cameron. Well, first of all, it’s just an awesome name! But, we were not going for the most popular name as we know that it has been for several years. As a matter of fact, we had the name Jacob picked out when we had our first child over 7 years ago, but she turned out to be our lovely Isabela. So, we have been waiting for Jacob. Ever since I first became a Christian at age 19, I felt like the Lord had always told me that He was going to give me my own son some day. I just never thought that it would have happened in this manner, just months after Him bringing my daughter to Heaven.
When we found out we were pregnant, my wife knew immediately that it was going to be a boy because of what the name signifies. Remember the story of Jacob in the Bible? His name means “supplanter” which means to replace something with something else. Jacob was the twin of Esau, and even though Esau was born first (which would give him the rightful blessing and inheritance of the firstborn), Jacob came out clutching at the heel of Esau implying that he was trying to be the first so that he would be the child to receive the blessing. So, even though Jacob lived up to his name in many ways of scheming and deceiving, he still was indeed the child whom God chose to pass the blessing and inheritance down his family line.
So, in the same way, we feel that God has brought us Jacob to be a supplanter to our grief over Susana. No, he will never replace Susana, but perhaps God intends to use our joy over him as a way of replacing some of our grief over Susana. Like I said, I still grieve, but somehow my heart is able to contain both great joy and great grief. So, when we found out we were pregnant, Maria knew immediately that God was now bringing us our Jacob. Crazy how God works like that, huh? So, we pray that this name represents some of his spiritual heritage. May he be one who worships the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
The middle name Cameron is to reference my scottish heritage from my Dad’s side of the family. We hail from Scotland, aye. And we hail from the Cameron tribe in the highlands. So, I wanted to give him a name that represents part of his natural heritage.
I also wanted him to have the same initials as myself, JCW. I did not want a junior because I just don’t want my boy to be altogether like me. There are too many things about myself that I do not want him to imitate. But, I do want him to be somewhat like me. I want him to love the Lord Jesus with all his heart and I want him to love people with God’s compassionate heart. And it would be great if he loved fly fishing and the outdoors as well. So, having my same initials, I pray represents that he will have some of my foundation, but he will not be exactly like me…THANK GOD!!!
So, that’s where I am at these days. I am absolutely overcome with love and joy. There is no question that I will not love this child in the deepest way. And at the same time, I grieve. I miss my little girl and can’t wait to be reunited with her on that great and glorious day! But until then, God gives me His grace to persevere…and to love. Crazy how God works like that, huh?