There have been many days of tears this past week. While I was in Haiti, I had one night where I just balled my eyes out as I was home alone and was missing Susana so much. I just kept looking at her picture on the wall thinking about how badly I wished that she was with me. Then, as I bowed my head to pray, the floodgates opened and I cried and cried. My heart ached so bad! I just wanted to hold my little girl. I wanted to kiss her. So, I was so desperate in my grief that I kissed her picture and did my little nosey kiss that I used to do especially with her. Oh how my heart just aches.
Even though I was super busy leading the team that was down there with me for the week, I still just thought about Susana all throughout the week. A few days later, I was showing two of the team members some pictures of her in my house and I just started balling again. I was thankful for the shoulder of one of the team members.
And now since being back, my heart is just sad…there is just no way getting around it. I function. I do what I need to do. I go forward with my life. I prepare to welcome my newborn son into the world. I love my wife and my daughter so much. I love Jesus with all my heart. And all the while…I hurt like crazy!!! My heart is just so broken. I long for my little girl. I miss her in ways that words cannot describe. Nobody knows the pain that I feel except for those that have walked the same path of losing a child.
I heard from a friend the other day who lost a very close loved one about a year ago. This person shared that they got an email recently from someone who said that it was time to get over it and move on. I do not get angry when I hear that, but it is just completely absurd. It merely shows that a person has no concept of understanding the pain of losing a loved one unless they themselves have walked the same path. Before Susana died, I had absolutely no experience with death. I had never lost anybody remotely close to me, therefore I had no idea how to relate to those that lost loved ones. So, I understand now when people say things that sound cold or harsh such as “its time to move on and get over it”. They just don’t get it. That’s okay. Its not for them to get. Its the path that God has called us to walk…and to some degree…we walk this path alone. And only those that are walking this path can even understand what I just said.
So, to many reading, you might just be thinking to yourselves, “Come on, not another post about Cody’s pain.” Well, sorry to disappoint, but yes, this is just another post about my pain.
Please pray for me. My heart aches. My newborn son is maybe just a few weeks from entering into my world, but right now my world is filled with pain. Please pray that God will use the birth of my son as a means of bringing some healing to my heart. I want to love my son with all my heart, but right now my heart feels so broken that I don’t know how I will be able to love. I know that God’s grace will be poured out in abundance and I will be able to love him. The truth is that, on my own I cannot do this. I really can’t. It is impossible. but with God, all things are possible. And its only in Him in which I have hope. And these days…all I have is hope in Jesus.