As her Daddy, it is without question, that I have in mind “life” for my baby girl, that she lives here on this earth for a long time in good health and enjoys many things. But, I must realize that perhaps God has a greater plan in mind and we need to be brought to that place of fully embracing His plan. Though we may not see it now, we are certain that His plan is always the best in the long run.
I am reminded again of my favorite disciple, Peter. Peter had the ultimate highs as well as the ultimate lows in his walk with Jesus. But O how the Lord Jesus loved him. So, Peter was the one who, by faith, said that Jesus was the Christ, the son of the living God. Peter, in a glorious moment, proclaimed the culmination of all that he had seen – that indeed God was good. He was wonderful. He was truly glorious. Peter must have had many great thoughts and ideas about how his friendship with Jesus would have such a great impact on his life. And then something completely unexpected happened.
Just after Peter making this great declaration of who God is and how great He is, Jesus tells him that now He must be handed over to the elders and put to death. What! How could that be? That sounds so wrong. That shouldn’t be. And that is exactly what Peter thought as he said, “No way Lord. This shall not happen.” To Peter, the thought of Jesus being put to death was the greatest offense ever. But to Jesus, it was the only way for God’s perfect plan to be worked out.
And because Peter’s words stood in contrast to God’s perfect plan, Jesus had to firmly rebuke him. And Jesus told Peter, “…you don’t have in mind the things of God, but the things of men.”
And that’s what I have to wrestle with these days as I watch my daughter’s body begin to take a downward turn. What do I have in mind? The things of God or the things of me? Of course, I want my daughter to be healed this side of heaven. And I pray for her fervently every day that God would do just that. That is the heart’s cry of any mommy or daddy. But, I also have to be reconciled with the truth that the Lord taking her home might be more in line with the things of God whereas me wanting her to remain here is in line with the things of man, particularly the things of me.
Jesus Himself went through that very same wrestling moment between embracing the things of God or desiring the things of what He wanted. It was in the garden of Gesthamane where He agonized over His upcoming walk of death upon the cross. His sweat was like drops of blood. And He cried out, “Father if there is any other way, let this cup pass from me…yet, not my will but Yours be done.” So, even Jesus was brought to the place of laying down His desire and fully embracing God’s perfect plan, no matter how agonizing it would be.
And that is EXACTLY where I am today. Friends, I am in the deepest agony ever. My heart hurts to unknown depths. There are so many things that, when viewed through my natural eye, simply do not make sense. But, I as a follower of Jesus, am not called to walk by what I see through my natural eye, but rather to walk by faith. And by His grace I do that.
Peter could not possibly see how Jesus being taken from him and executed would turn out to be God’s perfect plan, but it was. And Peter was only able to see that after the fact. I also cannot possibly see how Him allowing my precious little girl to suffer and die with this terrible disease is God’s perfect plan, but it might just be. And seeing through the eyes of faith enable me to embrace His will. And also knowing that the best life is not the one here on earth, but the one reserved for us in heaven to those who are called by God.
And so, it is like a tug of war upon my soul as I see things unfold. My heart hurts so bad. I think of all the things that I am not going to be able to do with my daughter. I see her suffering, which is starting to increase. We see our other daughter playing joyfully in her room, learning about the stars and the sun, and learning to read. And yet in the other room, our precious little Susana just lays on the bed, watches movies in and out of sleep, and doesn’t even want to play with toys. O how my heart aches to see this unfold. Tears have been my food. I cannot bear it, yet I know that God’s grace carries me through it. My new prayer these days is, “Lord, give us the grace to suffer well.”
Yes, I will pray fervently that the Lord heals her this side of heaven. And I know for certain that He can do that if He so chooses. I cannot force Him to do that. I do not not control God. My faith does not manipulate His hand. He is the one who is in control. The faith that He gives simply allows me to realize that He is indeed in full control and that His plan is indeed a perfect plan. The faith that He gives me allows me to say, just like Jesus said in the garden, “not my will Lord, but Your’s be done.”
Please keep us in prayer. This just seems to be getting more difficult. Susana is starting to have some difficulty with her breathing. We are supposed to be hearing back from Make a Wish Foundation about them flying us all to Disney for a week. If it gets approved, it could happen within a week. But, the way that I just saw Susana and heard her breathing, I am scared that it might not even happen. We are meeting with a friend of ours tomorrow who is going to take a photo shoot of our family for us so that we have some great pictures to cherish for a lifetime. On Friday, we are meeting with a hospice care coordinator about starting hospice care in the home. O how I need His grace for such appointments. O how I need His grace to always have in mind the things of God, no matter how foreign or wrong they seem to my natural mind.