I hope that some of you are not getting tired of my rave of Jesus these days as He is radically changing me from the inside out. I just can’t keep silent about what He is doing! I recall the words of Jesus when He stated that if the children of God are silenced from praising Him, then even the rocks would cry out. This stated showing that Christ will be glorified no matter what! So, I don’t want the rocks to be the one to glorify Him. I want to do that myself! And so I must share this experience that I had with the Lord.
The other day, after doing some journaling, I again was immediately just drawn to my knees to worship Him and pray to Him. I was listening to some worship music in the background. And as I was praying, I just became overwhelmed by His goodness and love, and I just started weeping. And I couldn’t stop. So, I did not want my daughter to hear me and wonder what was happening to Daddy, so I went in the bathroom, closed the door, and turned off the lights. And there, in the dark, I just worshipped my Lord with outstretched hands. And suddenly, I felt such a strong presence of His holiness and glory, that I fell to my knees and I just needed to bow before Him. But my knees were not low enough, and soon enough I found myself just prostrated face down on the floor completely before Him. And I felt as if I must bow lower still. And so, with my face pressed into the floor, and my hands stretched out, with weeping and sobbing, I was overcome by His holiness and glory. I felt like I was brought into the Holy of Holies and even the floor was not low enough for my heart to be bowed in submission to Him. And there I surrendered. All that I could simply say through my tears was “I am yours.” It was the most sacred moment that I have ever had. And it was the most heart felt three words that I have ever spoken to God. O, how my heart has been captured by Him.
You see, I have followed Jesus since the age of 19, which is almost 20 years ago. He brought me to the place early on where I said, “Lord, I will go wherever you want me to go and I will do whatever you want me to do.” And my heart has been convinced of His truth since the first day that I gave my life to Him. But all during that period of nearly 20 years, I have been unable to give Him all my affections, those from the deepest places in my heart. I have wanted to, but for whatever reason, I have not been able to. Perhaps it has been because some of my affections have been divided between Christ and the world. And that is true. I have been divided in many ways. Christ has been attractive to me, but things in the world have also remained attractive. And so there have been years and years of struggle between wanting to live fully for Jesus without any reservation and still being drawn by some things of the world. I would read over the scriptures over and over that talk about a man not being able to serve 2 masters or that friendship with the world is hatred towards God. And perhaps I justified myself in saying that I really didn’t want to have friendship with the world, that it really was something that bothered me, but nonetheless there was still something that kept me drawn by it. And so this struggle has been with me for all my life.
But now, by His grace alone, He is drawing me after Him. He has broken me completely from my sin. I have grieved and wept like I never have before as I have seen the reality of my wicked and depraved heart. And I also have wept over the realization of His mercy that has covered that wicked heart. And from that first cry to the Lord just over a month ago, in utter desperation to see the reality of my sin as well as His glory that would lead me to repentance, He has been doing a work in my heart like never before. He has indeed broken me. He has indeed revealed His mercy and grace. And now, He has brought me into His presence to see the radiance of His glory and holiness and love and majesty, and it was in this revelation that I could do nothing but bow low to the ground and surrender…truly surrender. And that is what He has caused me to do…wholly surrender my life to Him. I don’t want anything more of this world! All that it has done has kept me from knowing and worshipping my God. But now, I see the glory of the Lord. And it just leads me to bow in complete surrender. Know this O world…I am His!